An explanation

I want to cry
I want to scream
I want to shout it all out
I want to wallow
I want to be alone
but I want to be loved no doubt

I want to be hugged
Tightly and surely
I want the pieces to keep together
I want to be told it will all be okay
but...
I want to run
run away from them all
keep running till road turns to earth
and its just me and the world

I want to push
I want to hide
I dont want them around
I don't want their pity
But when I'm gone
I want them to search
I want to be found

I want to matter
I want anonymity
I want them to stay
and never leave
like the rest
I will test.
I want to be cruel
I want to hate
I want to punch, kick and then lay
Lay and not feel
I want to not feel.

This is me
Emotions wild and free
I'm scatterbrained
Trust this is not feigned
Its not a cry for attention
But a cry for help
Which I will not take for the life of me.

What do I want
All of the above
Doesn't make sense?
Welcome to my place.
Roaming and going nowhere
all at the same time.

I want the tears to fall
till my throat is hoarse
I want to rip inside and out
Till there is nothing more
but the skeleton
of a girl
who felt too much
and wanted to feel nothing at all.



This is a poem I just wrote about, just right now, at work where I'm trying to break and where I felt like everything in my head was going to explode into a million pieces and the people that I want the most aren't here to help me pick them up. But then again I don't want to talk to anyone, I feel like nobody will understand this, when I'm 'ill' they just see quiet, meek me, they don't see the war underneath. I want to tell those people closest to me some days, but its too hard to explain. This blog is supposed to be about happiness, but reality is you aren't going to have 365 days of happiness. Like me you are going to have your good days, your bad days and the days where you just can't breathe, where things feel a little odd. I write, thats my expression. I paint too but my paints are at my mums house which I miss way too much. So its not always going to be an awesome year but just remember there are those good days and thats what you live for, they make up for the rest. Don't be swallowed by the pit but reach out. If you have triggers, know them. My trigger happened last night. I apologised this morning, wasn't enough. but now I feel calmer after writing it all out. I needed to tell someone so I told you, anyone who reads this. I don't expect you to understand, but if you do, I feel for you.

Love as much as you breathe xx