Today is the first day in a while where my motivation is right on peak. AND ITS A FRIDAY. Like what??
I like this feeling, able to do all my work and get things done and not feel like I've wasted the company's time, money or my day. It really started last night at 6 pm when I got home, put a load of washing on, took a shower, got dinner prepped, hung the washing up, went to singing, put another load of washing on, made dinner, ate dinner, made two batches of brownies, made mum's birthday card...Happy Birthday Mum..and watched a movie and got to bed at 11.30pm. I went to bed feeling accomplished and clean. That's always good!
This morning I woke up, I got ready, my boyfriend (whatever you want to call him) called me and I went on the train with a new book in hand and we talked the whole morning. It put me in a pretty good mood. Oh and its casual Friday so I'm feeling comfortable. I started doing my work consistently without much distraction, went to the gym with a friend for half an hour. My 'boyfriend' called me again and we talked and joked around and now I have done most of my afternoon duties and I have two and a half hours to go.
Let's hope time goes fast as it is going now. Makes the work day more bearable.
Also its very much like Spring out, even though we still have a month of winter, the sky is brighter and lighter in the mornings too. Today feels good and I'm hoping nothing happens to that.
Also tomorrow I'm starting a 30 day challenge on this blog so we shall see how that goes, and Ill do those plus whatever I feel like (: Stay tuned!
Love as much as you breathe xx
Do What Makes You HappyBe With Who Makes You HappyLaugh As Much As You BreatheLove As Long As You Live
Friday 31 July 2015
Wednesday 29 July 2015
For Poppy's sake!
I cried last night. I just broke down and cried. Was it from the heaviness I felt all day? The one I was pushing away? The one I couldn't explain? I'm not too sure. But somebody close to me got off the phone with me that night and I could feel his weight on his shoulders and then I realised maybe I was feeling what he felt. Its happened often. But that is besides the point.
I hung up. I broke. The dog looked at me with curiosity. And just like that the dog jumped into action and came up and started licking me and hugging me. How did she know? I haven't grown up with dogs, I was actually quite annoyed at this dog an hour before but her loyalty is beyond any human I know. She didn't care that I yelled at her, she just cared that I was hurt.
Then there was a point in time during the licking and hugging that I got up and realised this has got to stop. Whatever this is. That enough is enough and I don't like feeling like this so I have to change something.
A lot of you may not understand why I put on different characters. But its not exactly like I'm not being myself. Each character is me, just a different facet and I change into the one that I want to be and feel I need to be the most at that current point in time. It gives me confidence. That's what I need. The character I am now is Poppy. She is a British boarding school girl that is confident in herself, treats her body with respect and values herself. That used to be me, where she went I don't know but I'm hoping this will help me bring her back.
You can cry all you want, complain about your life but nothing will change if you don't help it along. I realised in that moment when I took a stand that I only have myself too look out for myself, if that makes sense, sure your friends will help and if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend they will be your rock but honestly it is not fair on them. In the end all you have is yourself because that will be the only solid foundation you have, you are stuck with them - they can't leave. So my advice, if you choose to take it, make peace with yourself, understand your worth and grow stronger. You may be human but your mind is an amazing thing and no matter how worthless you feel or it makes you feel, you are in control of it. Bite the dog on the ear! Show who is boss!
Love as much as you breathe xx
I hung up. I broke. The dog looked at me with curiosity. And just like that the dog jumped into action and came up and started licking me and hugging me. How did she know? I haven't grown up with dogs, I was actually quite annoyed at this dog an hour before but her loyalty is beyond any human I know. She didn't care that I yelled at her, she just cared that I was hurt.
Then there was a point in time during the licking and hugging that I got up and realised this has got to stop. Whatever this is. That enough is enough and I don't like feeling like this so I have to change something.
A lot of you may not understand why I put on different characters. But its not exactly like I'm not being myself. Each character is me, just a different facet and I change into the one that I want to be and feel I need to be the most at that current point in time. It gives me confidence. That's what I need. The character I am now is Poppy. She is a British boarding school girl that is confident in herself, treats her body with respect and values herself. That used to be me, where she went I don't know but I'm hoping this will help me bring her back.
You can cry all you want, complain about your life but nothing will change if you don't help it along. I realised in that moment when I took a stand that I only have myself too look out for myself, if that makes sense, sure your friends will help and if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend they will be your rock but honestly it is not fair on them. In the end all you have is yourself because that will be the only solid foundation you have, you are stuck with them - they can't leave. So my advice, if you choose to take it, make peace with yourself, understand your worth and grow stronger. You may be human but your mind is an amazing thing and no matter how worthless you feel or it makes you feel, you are in control of it. Bite the dog on the ear! Show who is boss!
Love as much as you breathe xx
Tuesday 28 July 2015
An explanation
I want to cry
I want to scream
I want to shout it all out
I want to wallow
I want to be alone
but I want to be loved no doubt
I want to be hugged
Tightly and surely
I want the pieces to keep together
I want to be told it will all be okay
but...
I want to run
run away from them all
keep running till road turns to earth
and its just me and the world
I want to push
I want to hide
I dont want them around
I don't want their pity
But when I'm gone
I want them to search
I want to be found
I want to matter
I want anonymity
I want them to stay
and never leave
like the rest
I will test.
I want to be cruel
I want to hate
I want to punch, kick and then lay
Lay and not feel
I want to not feel.
This is me
Emotions wild and free
I'm scatterbrained
Trust this is not feigned
Its not a cry for attention
But a cry for help
Which I will not take for the life of me.
What do I want
All of the above
Doesn't make sense?
Welcome to my place.
Roaming and going nowhere
all at the same time.
I want the tears to fall
till my throat is hoarse
I want to rip inside and out
Till there is nothing more
but the skeleton
of a girl
who felt too much
and wanted to feel nothing at all.
This is a poem I just wrote about, just right now, at work where I'm trying to break and where I felt like everything in my head was going to explode into a million pieces and the people that I want the most aren't here to help me pick them up. But then again I don't want to talk to anyone, I feel like nobody will understand this, when I'm 'ill' they just see quiet, meek me, they don't see the war underneath. I want to tell those people closest to me some days, but its too hard to explain. This blog is supposed to be about happiness, but reality is you aren't going to have 365 days of happiness. Like me you are going to have your good days, your bad days and the days where you just can't breathe, where things feel a little odd. I write, thats my expression. I paint too but my paints are at my mums house which I miss way too much. So its not always going to be an awesome year but just remember there are those good days and thats what you live for, they make up for the rest. Don't be swallowed by the pit but reach out. If you have triggers, know them. My trigger happened last night. I apologised this morning, wasn't enough. but now I feel calmer after writing it all out. I needed to tell someone so I told you, anyone who reads this. I don't expect you to understand, but if you do, I feel for you.
Love as much as you breathe xx
I want to scream
I want to shout it all out
I want to wallow
I want to be alone
but I want to be loved no doubt
I want to be hugged
Tightly and surely
I want the pieces to keep together
I want to be told it will all be okay
but...
I want to run
run away from them all
keep running till road turns to earth
and its just me and the world
I want to push
I want to hide
I dont want them around
I don't want their pity
But when I'm gone
I want them to search
I want to be found
I want to matter
I want anonymity
I want them to stay
and never leave
like the rest
I will test.
I want to be cruel
I want to hate
I want to punch, kick and then lay
Lay and not feel
I want to not feel.
This is me
Emotions wild and free
I'm scatterbrained
Trust this is not feigned
Its not a cry for attention
But a cry for help
Which I will not take for the life of me.
What do I want
All of the above
Doesn't make sense?
Welcome to my place.
Roaming and going nowhere
all at the same time.
I want the tears to fall
till my throat is hoarse
I want to rip inside and out
Till there is nothing more
but the skeleton
of a girl
who felt too much
and wanted to feel nothing at all.
This is a poem I just wrote about, just right now, at work where I'm trying to break and where I felt like everything in my head was going to explode into a million pieces and the people that I want the most aren't here to help me pick them up. But then again I don't want to talk to anyone, I feel like nobody will understand this, when I'm 'ill' they just see quiet, meek me, they don't see the war underneath. I want to tell those people closest to me some days, but its too hard to explain. This blog is supposed to be about happiness, but reality is you aren't going to have 365 days of happiness. Like me you are going to have your good days, your bad days and the days where you just can't breathe, where things feel a little odd. I write, thats my expression. I paint too but my paints are at my mums house which I miss way too much. So its not always going to be an awesome year but just remember there are those good days and thats what you live for, they make up for the rest. Don't be swallowed by the pit but reach out. If you have triggers, know them. My trigger happened last night. I apologised this morning, wasn't enough. but now I feel calmer after writing it all out. I needed to tell someone so I told you, anyone who reads this. I don't expect you to understand, but if you do, I feel for you.
Love as much as you breathe xx
Monday 27 July 2015
It's the simple things in life that count!
I have had a lot of trouble in the past with men and because of that I never believe when someone tells me that they love me. How could they possibly? Right? Wrong.
One thing is that he actually says it without me saying it. But so can any other person. Its the simple things you have to look out for:
Like when they call you up at 6.25 am after your alarm has gone off at 6.20 to make sure that you are awake and don't miss work.
Like when they clean the disgustingly gross microwave that their housemates had left dirty, so you could heat up your cheese melt, doing so without complaining.
Like when they wear the dogtags you bought them, even if they have a corny quote that only he will understand, even when you didn't expect him too.
Like when he comes (inviting himself) to a memorial service for the 1 year that your aunty passed away even though he hates churches and feels uncomfortable with the whole concept but just wants to support you.
Like when he is napping but you need help to film a couple of shots and he gets up without complaining.
Like when you're on your period, it doesn't matter he still wants to cuddle up to you.
Like when you're in the shittest mood and all he wants do is make you laugh, and makes sure that you do!
Like when he apologises when he knows he is in the wrong and doesn't make it out to be my fault or that I am thinking crazy.
Like when he tells you that he has been thinking about you all day.
Like when he shows you a song and says that it reminds him of you.
Like when he watches a movie when you're away for a while only because one of the characters remind him of you.
Like when he wants you to leave the room so he can practice a song on guitar to play for you.
and I could keep on going, but its in these actions no matter how small they are, each spells 'I love you'.
I've wanted to write this post up for a while now, but its just in the past couple of days that I realised my man is legit, what he says is the real deal and I should really start trusting in him. That is a huge task, but to move forward is to move past fear. 'To be fearless, is not to have no fear but to have fear and still jump'.
Anyway love you all xx
I have had a lot of trouble in the past with men and because of that I never believe when someone tells me that they love me. How could they possibly? Right? Wrong.
One thing is that he actually says it without me saying it. But so can any other person. Its the simple things you have to look out for:
Like when they call you up at 6.25 am after your alarm has gone off at 6.20 to make sure that you are awake and don't miss work.
Like when they clean the disgustingly gross microwave that their housemates had left dirty, so you could heat up your cheese melt, doing so without complaining.
Like when they wear the dogtags you bought them, even if they have a corny quote that only he will understand, even when you didn't expect him too.
Like when he comes (inviting himself) to a memorial service for the 1 year that your aunty passed away even though he hates churches and feels uncomfortable with the whole concept but just wants to support you.
Like when he is napping but you need help to film a couple of shots and he gets up without complaining.
Like when you're on your period, it doesn't matter he still wants to cuddle up to you.
Like when you're in the shittest mood and all he wants do is make you laugh, and makes sure that you do!
Like when he apologises when he knows he is in the wrong and doesn't make it out to be my fault or that I am thinking crazy.
Like when he tells you that he has been thinking about you all day.
Like when he shows you a song and says that it reminds him of you.
Like when he watches a movie when you're away for a while only because one of the characters remind him of you.
Like when he wants you to leave the room so he can practice a song on guitar to play for you.
and I could keep on going, but its in these actions no matter how small they are, each spells 'I love you'.
I've wanted to write this post up for a while now, but its just in the past couple of days that I realised my man is legit, what he says is the real deal and I should really start trusting in him. That is a huge task, but to move forward is to move past fear. 'To be fearless, is not to have no fear but to have fear and still jump'.
Anyway love you all xx
Tuesday 21 July 2015
Its Tuesday!
You all should know how much I loooooove Tuesdays. Call me crazy but I just gotta say that Tuesday's are the best day of the week. Do you know why? Because they are always reliable.
Sure I look forward to Friday because its the weekend! Who doesn't love that but I've noticed that I always get disappointed with my Friday nights because there is just soooo much expectation to have a great Friday and to make most of the weekend so you have something to talk about when you get back to work.
But Tuesday's they are sure to be a what they are, an average weekday, rehearsals at night and quiet me time. I don't get bothered on Tuesday's its just my day. Sometimes I switch it up and my boyfriend sleeps over but usually Tuesday's are all mine. It doesn't lie.
Also I noticed that every time I go to the toilet I always use the same cubicle, does anyone else do that? Humans have these habits that we have made that cubicle in this instance ours. If someone else is using it whilst we are in need and have to use another cubicle it just doesn't feel right. Like when you were kids and you had to sit on the same side of the car every time or the seat at the table that has your name on it but doesn't.
I know random tangent but deal (:
Have a lovely Tuesday!
Sure I look forward to Friday because its the weekend! Who doesn't love that but I've noticed that I always get disappointed with my Friday nights because there is just soooo much expectation to have a great Friday and to make most of the weekend so you have something to talk about when you get back to work.
But Tuesday's they are sure to be a what they are, an average weekday, rehearsals at night and quiet me time. I don't get bothered on Tuesday's its just my day. Sometimes I switch it up and my boyfriend sleeps over but usually Tuesday's are all mine. It doesn't lie.
Also I noticed that every time I go to the toilet I always use the same cubicle, does anyone else do that? Humans have these habits that we have made that cubicle in this instance ours. If someone else is using it whilst we are in need and have to use another cubicle it just doesn't feel right. Like when you were kids and you had to sit on the same side of the car every time or the seat at the table that has your name on it but doesn't.
I know random tangent but deal (:
Have a lovely Tuesday!
Monday 20 July 2015
Nothing hits you on the head quite like a good quote.
Let's marvel over this quote shall we?
I came across it today and it is one of the most genuine things I have read in quite a while. It resounds truth.
Think about it: If you are wondering whether you can do something or are able to do something either that be physically or mentally or both, you have a 50/50 chance. The answer could be yes or no. BUT if you decide that you can't do something, and you don't even attempt to go for what you really want, the answer will ALWAYS be NO. If you do attempt to and give it a real shot, not some half-hearted bullshit, not some lazy attempt but really go for it, put your mind, heart, passion and soul into it, 99 percent of the time you will succeed but lets say you don't...what have you lost? Nothing, You're the same person you would be if you hadn't tried except you would have gained a whole bunch of experience and you know how to improve next time. You can re-evaluate the situation. Without failure there is no success because through failure you learn. If you succeed without being knocked down at least once, you are so lucky but at the same time you will lack character.
That is my opinion.
I recently got back into the acting game. The film and stage business. I wasn't getting anywhere with it before because I wasn't actively pursuing which goes to show what I said in the aformentioned to be true. Yesterday I had a promotional photoshoot for the play that I am in and it was in the moment that we were talking about funding and how to market our project that I realised I am finally a part of something because I didn't back out of that audition and gave it my all. The reason I am here rather than someone else is because I put in more than 100% in my audition and strived for it. And now I am in my first paying role.
I'm quite excited.
So my advice is, give it a go and you'll never know what may come of it. Good Luck (:
Thursday 16 July 2015
Tuesday 14 July 2015
Something about Tuesday's
I don't know about you but I feel like Tuesday's are the best day of the working week.
Why?...Is there such a thing as the best day.
Well when you're a reception and stuck in an office all day then yeah you scrounge for certain terminology.
But I believe Tuesday's are. Why? I am more productive on this day than any other. Sure I try on the others but its Tuesday's that just put a bit of spice in my step!
Here is my logic...
Monday: You are still recovering from the weekend, it is like you are weening yourself out of holiday mode, so you're a little more slow and getting used to the pace.
Tuesday: You are in full gear, its still early in the week to think the weekend is a while away so you are definitely in work mode. You are punching those obstacles, making those calls, precise, concise...and i don't know a cool third rhyming word. (but hey i just rhymed right there ;) )
Wednesday: hump day, middle of the week, you are aware the weekend is nigh. Everyone by this point is making plans for it, getting excited for it. You lose focus.
Thursday: The weekend is even closer and you are getting over the early starts and workload.
Friday: There is no point. No return, may as well be the weekend as nobody does anything productive after lunch time.
Through observation, its just how I see it, unless you are in a job which you love and provides an escape for you, then this is the reality.
Trust me, I'm not the only one that thinks this in my office.
;)
Keep smiling xx
Why?...Is there such a thing as the best day.
Well when you're a reception and stuck in an office all day then yeah you scrounge for certain terminology.
But I believe Tuesday's are. Why? I am more productive on this day than any other. Sure I try on the others but its Tuesday's that just put a bit of spice in my step!
Here is my logic...
Monday: You are still recovering from the weekend, it is like you are weening yourself out of holiday mode, so you're a little more slow and getting used to the pace.
Tuesday: You are in full gear, its still early in the week to think the weekend is a while away so you are definitely in work mode. You are punching those obstacles, making those calls, precise, concise...and i don't know a cool third rhyming word. (but hey i just rhymed right there ;) )
Wednesday: hump day, middle of the week, you are aware the weekend is nigh. Everyone by this point is making plans for it, getting excited for it. You lose focus.
Thursday: The weekend is even closer and you are getting over the early starts and workload.
Friday: There is no point. No return, may as well be the weekend as nobody does anything productive after lunch time.
Through observation, its just how I see it, unless you are in a job which you love and provides an escape for you, then this is the reality.
Trust me, I'm not the only one that thinks this in my office.
;)
Keep smiling xx
Oh nat...
I honestly thought I had lost this blog.
I've kind of been going crazy thinking that they, whoever they are, took my blog away from me!
But it has been right under my nose this whole time. Like everything!. I usually think it is the most complex of matters that I'd have to go to a higher authority to get my blog back but it was my mistake...I logged into the wrong account.
Soooo what have I been up to in the last few days.
I have vlogged and that will be up tonight (:
I have got other video ideas too. Which I'm super excited about. My non boyfriend calls himself my boyfriend. I dont' think anything of it. We are partners anyway so there is no difference with that label. My room mate came back from her holiday. I am now performing in jazz, lyrical, tap, musical theatre and hip hop...yeah ive never tapped before and that was mighty hard.
I'm feeling a lot stronger. Been feeling weak and not myself but I'm on a much healthier diet now, cutting chocolate out for most of the week, eating my salads etc. Honestly a healthier diet legit makes my mood much healthier also. Good motivation? I think so!
My weight..idk...i don't really care, as long as I'm looking and feeling good the number on the scale is meaningless.
Hmmm...anything else happened? Oh I don't know...let me think...oh yeah! I got a part in a paying theatre production! So I can actually call myself a working actor.
It is for the Melbourne Fringe Festival and I will probably vlog about it at one point or another so yay! I found out I had an audition on Saturday for Sunday. So 24 hours to delve into a character and produce a monologue. Yeah it wasn't easy but I loved the challenge. Got to my audition feeling nervous but confident in my talent and the characters I chose to be. My monologue showed my intensity, maturity and compelling in my performance...their words not mine. I'm not that big-headed. My sense of the character that I was actually going for was well thought out and had real knowledge behind it. Showed them I had prepared...also Year 12 Literature skills helped with that. Thanks Miss!
So I have my first rehearsal tonight. They have been rehearsing for weeks, so I will be the new kid in school. I'm excited but nervous too. The character itself is really in depth even though majority is in one scene but a lot happens, not sure if I want my parents to watch this one haha...but hey I'm an adult now and I'm trying to show that via taking on complex characters, challenging myself and showing the audience that I got what it takes.
But I shall blog about my experience tomorrow. (:
ATM im trying to gain my motivation to just live, and I think performing and training in my passions will help with this.
I'm so glad to have this blog back you have no idea. My outlet. I desperately want to post on my social media about other things but mostly are tumblr related and I have this thing where yeah I would like to post but then again do I really want people to know the real feelings I have? I'm not too sure.
Anyway keep smiling xx
I've kind of been going crazy thinking that they, whoever they are, took my blog away from me!
But it has been right under my nose this whole time. Like everything!. I usually think it is the most complex of matters that I'd have to go to a higher authority to get my blog back but it was my mistake...I logged into the wrong account.
Soooo what have I been up to in the last few days.
I have vlogged and that will be up tonight (:
I have got other video ideas too. Which I'm super excited about. My non boyfriend calls himself my boyfriend. I dont' think anything of it. We are partners anyway so there is no difference with that label. My room mate came back from her holiday. I am now performing in jazz, lyrical, tap, musical theatre and hip hop...yeah ive never tapped before and that was mighty hard.
I'm feeling a lot stronger. Been feeling weak and not myself but I'm on a much healthier diet now, cutting chocolate out for most of the week, eating my salads etc. Honestly a healthier diet legit makes my mood much healthier also. Good motivation? I think so!
My weight..idk...i don't really care, as long as I'm looking and feeling good the number on the scale is meaningless.
Hmmm...anything else happened? Oh I don't know...let me think...oh yeah! I got a part in a paying theatre production! So I can actually call myself a working actor.
It is for the Melbourne Fringe Festival and I will probably vlog about it at one point or another so yay! I found out I had an audition on Saturday for Sunday. So 24 hours to delve into a character and produce a monologue. Yeah it wasn't easy but I loved the challenge. Got to my audition feeling nervous but confident in my talent and the characters I chose to be. My monologue showed my intensity, maturity and compelling in my performance...their words not mine. I'm not that big-headed. My sense of the character that I was actually going for was well thought out and had real knowledge behind it. Showed them I had prepared...also Year 12 Literature skills helped with that. Thanks Miss!
So I have my first rehearsal tonight. They have been rehearsing for weeks, so I will be the new kid in school. I'm excited but nervous too. The character itself is really in depth even though majority is in one scene but a lot happens, not sure if I want my parents to watch this one haha...but hey I'm an adult now and I'm trying to show that via taking on complex characters, challenging myself and showing the audience that I got what it takes.
But I shall blog about my experience tomorrow. (:
ATM im trying to gain my motivation to just live, and I think performing and training in my passions will help with this.
I'm so glad to have this blog back you have no idea. My outlet. I desperately want to post on my social media about other things but mostly are tumblr related and I have this thing where yeah I would like to post but then again do I really want people to know the real feelings I have? I'm not too sure.
Anyway keep smiling xx
Sunday 5 July 2015
That was a very bleak post I made previously. Sorry if that bummed everyones mood out. Should I really be saying sorry for telling the truth? I don't know. But I just did, can't take it back now. That shit don't fly with me.
You can't take anything back really. An apology is an apology, true but everyone will remember what your said or what you did. Actions are much more significant than words. So remember that before you say or do something think of the impact it will have here on after.
I don't really know why I went on that tangent I was actually going to right about what I am feeling right now. The air is soft, matching the light in my bedroom. I don't really know if you can feel light, if you can understand it. But it just reminds me of moving my hand through water except the consistency is less heavy - it flows. I feel like I am floating when I am surrounded by a soft natural light.
Match it with the white of my cover sheets, my messy strewn hair from last nights dance concert and the man that I love laying down beside me. I think it is kind of perfect. Flawed but perfect.
It's one of those moments that it feels just right. One of those simple moments you hold on to. One of those moments that you rarely recognise as being significant until it is gone. Because once they are gone, you want them back...badly.
So maybe what I am trying to say here, in my incoherent style, sometimes just sink into a moment, let it touch you, feel it, play with it, acknowledge it, be in it. Because trust me you will appreciate things a lot more and you won't feel like you have taken things for granted.
Keep in touch, keep smiling xxx
You can't take anything back really. An apology is an apology, true but everyone will remember what your said or what you did. Actions are much more significant than words. So remember that before you say or do something think of the impact it will have here on after.
I don't really know why I went on that tangent I was actually going to right about what I am feeling right now. The air is soft, matching the light in my bedroom. I don't really know if you can feel light, if you can understand it. But it just reminds me of moving my hand through water except the consistency is less heavy - it flows. I feel like I am floating when I am surrounded by a soft natural light.
Match it with the white of my cover sheets, my messy strewn hair from last nights dance concert and the man that I love laying down beside me. I think it is kind of perfect. Flawed but perfect.
It's one of those moments that it feels just right. One of those simple moments you hold on to. One of those moments that you rarely recognise as being significant until it is gone. Because once they are gone, you want them back...badly.
So maybe what I am trying to say here, in my incoherent style, sometimes just sink into a moment, let it touch you, feel it, play with it, acknowledge it, be in it. Because trust me you will appreciate things a lot more and you won't feel like you have taken things for granted.
Keep in touch, keep smiling xxx
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