I don't want

No he isn't my boyfriend.
Not anymore at least.
Why?
Because he loved me too much to see me get hurt in the end when he has to leave.
You know what, I'm going to hurt just as much anyway. We can never be just friends. We aren't just friends now. Everyone still thinks we are together, its just for his peace of mind that we aren't.

It is going to hurt either way, I have danced in the memories, I have held the moments. Last night was so simple but yet so beautiful. Thats what this post is about, when you got that person that you love and is your best friend, nothing is ever boring.

He made me dinner. Like he actually cooked a healthy, satisfying meal. Then we laid down on the bed and in his arms I fell asleep as he read to me.

I am so lucky to have him love me. I just wanted that moment to last forever, freeze time, don't let them take him away from me. Because he is my best friend, my lover and my rock. How can something so right, something that works in all the right ways even when hit with massive obstacles, how can that be taken away. It's meant to be yet its apparently not according to fate.

If he goes, I honestly don't know who could replace him - yes he is a pain in the ass sometimes but he is right, he is true, he is him. Thats all I want, those simple moments for the rest of my life and I'll be content.

August is coming up so fast and I really don't want to deal with the reality of it all.
He will leave, he will move on. Just like he did with some of the others.

But my birthday just past and I used those wishes selfishly. 11.11 passes and I use those wishes selfishly.

Why?

I don't want him to be the one I secretly tell my daughter one day. The man I loved and lost. The one and only. The one that I was inevitably going to date whether I knew it or not. I don't want him to be on my mind whilst I'm trying to sleep next to my husband. I don't want him to be the one that I think of - wondering if he is doing the exact same thing as me.

I don't want him to be the one that got away.