No he isn't my boyfriend.
Not anymore at least.
Why?
Because he loved me too much to see me get hurt in the end when he has to leave.
You know what, I'm going to hurt just as much anyway. We can never be just friends. We aren't just friends now. Everyone still thinks we are together, its just for his peace of mind that we aren't.
It is going to hurt either way, I have danced in the memories, I have held the moments. Last night was so simple but yet so beautiful. Thats what this post is about, when you got that person that you love and is your best friend, nothing is ever boring.
He made me dinner. Like he actually cooked a healthy, satisfying meal. Then we laid down on the bed and in his arms I fell asleep as he read to me.
I am so lucky to have him love me. I just wanted that moment to last forever, freeze time, don't let them take him away from me. Because he is my best friend, my lover and my rock. How can something so right, something that works in all the right ways even when hit with massive obstacles, how can that be taken away. It's meant to be yet its apparently not according to fate.
If he goes, I honestly don't know who could replace him - yes he is a pain in the ass sometimes but he is right, he is true, he is him. Thats all I want, those simple moments for the rest of my life and I'll be content.
August is coming up so fast and I really don't want to deal with the reality of it all.
He will leave, he will move on. Just like he did with some of the others.
But my birthday just past and I used those wishes selfishly. 11.11 passes and I use those wishes selfishly.
Why?
I don't want him to be the one I secretly tell my daughter one day. The man I loved and lost. The one and only. The one that I was inevitably going to date whether I knew it or not. I don't want him to be on my mind whilst I'm trying to sleep next to my husband. I don't want him to be the one that I think of - wondering if he is doing the exact same thing as me.
I don't want him to be the one that got away.
Do What Makes You HappyBe With Who Makes You HappyLaugh As Much As You BreatheLove As Long As You Live
Tuesday 30 June 2015
Friday 26 June 2015
Birthday revelations
Hip Hip Hooray!
It was my 21st Birthday!
Yesterday.
Look at that rhyme, let's appreciate the lack of effort I put into that.
So yes. It was my birthday. I am 21. Officially an adult in every country now - didn't even realise until somebody had mentioned it - clearly I thought that was a big deal...lol. What did I do on my 21st birthday someone might ask?
Well, I ate cake and other yummies, got beautiful flowers from work, was made a big deal of, felt special as family and friends congratulated me on getting a year older - yes guys, its true I didn't have to do much to turn a year older, all it took was breathing. Fair effort I say. I also had some family over to celebrate with me.
That is what I would tell anyone who asked.
What did I really do?
I cried.
I was holding it in so much the entire day, plastered that smile like you wouldn't believe, took calls in a cheery voice, but then I broke down on the way home and cried. Not just tears either, oh no, the works.
For anyone who isn't aware - I don't cry. Ever.
Why did you cry? What possibly could be that bad on your birthday when it is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life.
To be honest I think the whole pressure of everything apparently having to go perfect on the day had a lot to do with it. Usually I'm nonchalant, whatever happens happens, shit happens kinda gal, no use caring about it. But everyone making a big deal out of one day brought up my expectations of how the day was supposed to go. Why did I cry? It was because it didn't.
I was told on the one day that I turn 21 (the big one) that the one person that I really wanted to be by my side through the embarrassment and over the top cheeriness couldn't attend. He had personal business to attend which couldn't wait another day. Me, I know I would have worked things around and when that wasn't done for me, well things sort of crumbled. Perspectives crashed and yeah it sort of ruined my day. Did I fight back? For once in my life I did. Did it work? No, it was never supposed to but then it made me look like a spoilt child who didn't get what they wanted. I am not that. What felt worse was the people who knew about it, they didn't seem to think it was a big deal. Making me feel like I was acting ridiculous and when I act ridiculous or feel like I am, I distance myself because thats one thing I hate - to look crazy, or clingy. Give the guy space (is something I live by).
In the end, was it his fault that my day was ruined - no. It was entirely mine. Because yes I love him more than words can say but he is one person that loves me, if last night was anything to learn by - there were a lot more people that were there and that love me too. I should have been grateful for that. This is what I have learned. You decide on your mood, its entirely your choice to view your perspective. People love me. That is more than I could want. They were there, they made my night pretty awesome. My cousins and I played riddles, we ate, we laughed, we conquered.
Did I want to sleep alone last night? On my birthday? No of course not. But it was a reality check - where the fuck did my independence go. I am a strong woman, I have a great mindset, I can do what I want when I put my mind to it. Did I really need him last night? I thought I did. But I didn't. I just wanted things to go the way I wanted. When it doesn't, don't disregard the whole picture find the things and focus on what is right.
He makes everyday my birthday if that makes sense. Sure its a milestone but its just a day.
That is what I learned and what I am living by now. Sure try fight for it if it really means that much to you, if that doesn't work though, don't let that spoil everything else. Trust me, it will turn out better than you expect (:
It was my 21st Birthday!
Yesterday.
Look at that rhyme, let's appreciate the lack of effort I put into that.
So yes. It was my birthday. I am 21. Officially an adult in every country now - didn't even realise until somebody had mentioned it - clearly I thought that was a big deal...lol. What did I do on my 21st birthday someone might ask?
Well, I ate cake and other yummies, got beautiful flowers from work, was made a big deal of, felt special as family and friends congratulated me on getting a year older - yes guys, its true I didn't have to do much to turn a year older, all it took was breathing. Fair effort I say. I also had some family over to celebrate with me.
That is what I would tell anyone who asked.
What did I really do?
I cried.
I was holding it in so much the entire day, plastered that smile like you wouldn't believe, took calls in a cheery voice, but then I broke down on the way home and cried. Not just tears either, oh no, the works.
For anyone who isn't aware - I don't cry. Ever.
Why did you cry? What possibly could be that bad on your birthday when it is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life.
To be honest I think the whole pressure of everything apparently having to go perfect on the day had a lot to do with it. Usually I'm nonchalant, whatever happens happens, shit happens kinda gal, no use caring about it. But everyone making a big deal out of one day brought up my expectations of how the day was supposed to go. Why did I cry? It was because it didn't.
I was told on the one day that I turn 21 (the big one) that the one person that I really wanted to be by my side through the embarrassment and over the top cheeriness couldn't attend. He had personal business to attend which couldn't wait another day. Me, I know I would have worked things around and when that wasn't done for me, well things sort of crumbled. Perspectives crashed and yeah it sort of ruined my day. Did I fight back? For once in my life I did. Did it work? No, it was never supposed to but then it made me look like a spoilt child who didn't get what they wanted. I am not that. What felt worse was the people who knew about it, they didn't seem to think it was a big deal. Making me feel like I was acting ridiculous and when I act ridiculous or feel like I am, I distance myself because thats one thing I hate - to look crazy, or clingy. Give the guy space (is something I live by).
In the end, was it his fault that my day was ruined - no. It was entirely mine. Because yes I love him more than words can say but he is one person that loves me, if last night was anything to learn by - there were a lot more people that were there and that love me too. I should have been grateful for that. This is what I have learned. You decide on your mood, its entirely your choice to view your perspective. People love me. That is more than I could want. They were there, they made my night pretty awesome. My cousins and I played riddles, we ate, we laughed, we conquered.
Did I want to sleep alone last night? On my birthday? No of course not. But it was a reality check - where the fuck did my independence go. I am a strong woman, I have a great mindset, I can do what I want when I put my mind to it. Did I really need him last night? I thought I did. But I didn't. I just wanted things to go the way I wanted. When it doesn't, don't disregard the whole picture find the things and focus on what is right.
He makes everyday my birthday if that makes sense. Sure its a milestone but its just a day.
That is what I learned and what I am living by now. Sure try fight for it if it really means that much to you, if that doesn't work though, don't let that spoil everything else. Trust me, it will turn out better than you expect (:
Tuesday 23 June 2015
Catch up
Hey guys,
I know it feels like years since I've blogged. It's crazy but I have had the real urge to blog recently.
The truth is, it seems I always start off something with a real passion and then it sort of dies. I'm not quite sure if that is because what I deal with or if it is just me. And I know that after a while I start whatever it was back up again. Isn't that the point though? To never give up. To keep trying?
I'm not quite sure. Maybe I am just indecisive or get bored easily - that is what I blame it on anyway.
As you may or may not know, I vlog a lot. I put a video out at least once a week and I'd like to be spitting out more but for now the no pressure thing is working. I love vlogging, I do, I feel like I can connect with more people but there is something about blogging. Its more for me and my use. It is a great accomplishment for me to articulate everything I want to say in a concise manner.
I also just love to read back on old blog posts, check out my view and opinions on things. Noticed some have changed and some have stayed the same. Yes, vlogging is about having your say but usually they are themed and you tend to try to make it interesting for a viewer and yet I feel blogging is where you can just put a lot of random shit on a page and that is completely fine.
This is why, this time I am going to separate them. I may post that I have put up a vlog - ya know publicity and shizzangles. But for the most part I am going to keep the two mediums separate. They deserve that. My blog deserves its own identity.
Its still here to hopefully make people smile but I honestly it is here to make me smile and to make me feel good 365 day a year. Everybody needs to be a little selfish sometimes.
Speaking of that. My favorite quote used to be from the famous Mr Einstein 'a life lived for others is a life worth living'. As I've grown up I have realised yes be that as it may, its not worth living if you're not actually living. Be kind, be considerate, help others even when you think you can't. Be the support you want others to be. I know I am and I don't care if that sounds like I am bragging but I know I am a bloody good friend. But the trap that I have fallen into in the past is that I was helping people so much so that I wasn't living my life. My life really didn't mean much whatsoever and that is totally wrong. You have one life. Live it to its potential. Give it credit, it deserves to bloom. You have to take care of yourself in order to take care of others. To be honest I still fall in that trap but I realise it and that is the first step towards change.
I haven't changed my morals, I still help but I also take me time, so that at the end of the week I'm not a giant mess trying to untangle my problems that were not tended too. Because if you're not looking out for yourself can you really rely on someone else to be doing that for you?
Keep smiling guys (:
I know it feels like years since I've blogged. It's crazy but I have had the real urge to blog recently.
The truth is, it seems I always start off something with a real passion and then it sort of dies. I'm not quite sure if that is because what I deal with or if it is just me. And I know that after a while I start whatever it was back up again. Isn't that the point though? To never give up. To keep trying?
I'm not quite sure. Maybe I am just indecisive or get bored easily - that is what I blame it on anyway.
As you may or may not know, I vlog a lot. I put a video out at least once a week and I'd like to be spitting out more but for now the no pressure thing is working. I love vlogging, I do, I feel like I can connect with more people but there is something about blogging. Its more for me and my use. It is a great accomplishment for me to articulate everything I want to say in a concise manner.
I also just love to read back on old blog posts, check out my view and opinions on things. Noticed some have changed and some have stayed the same. Yes, vlogging is about having your say but usually they are themed and you tend to try to make it interesting for a viewer and yet I feel blogging is where you can just put a lot of random shit on a page and that is completely fine.
This is why, this time I am going to separate them. I may post that I have put up a vlog - ya know publicity and shizzangles. But for the most part I am going to keep the two mediums separate. They deserve that. My blog deserves its own identity.
Its still here to hopefully make people smile but I honestly it is here to make me smile and to make me feel good 365 day a year. Everybody needs to be a little selfish sometimes.
Speaking of that. My favorite quote used to be from the famous Mr Einstein 'a life lived for others is a life worth living'. As I've grown up I have realised yes be that as it may, its not worth living if you're not actually living. Be kind, be considerate, help others even when you think you can't. Be the support you want others to be. I know I am and I don't care if that sounds like I am bragging but I know I am a bloody good friend. But the trap that I have fallen into in the past is that I was helping people so much so that I wasn't living my life. My life really didn't mean much whatsoever and that is totally wrong. You have one life. Live it to its potential. Give it credit, it deserves to bloom. You have to take care of yourself in order to take care of others. To be honest I still fall in that trap but I realise it and that is the first step towards change.
I haven't changed my morals, I still help but I also take me time, so that at the end of the week I'm not a giant mess trying to untangle my problems that were not tended too. Because if you're not looking out for yourself can you really rely on someone else to be doing that for you?
Keep smiling guys (:
Wednesday 17 June 2015
Shopping: My Nightmare
So i went shopping to find my 21st birthday dress I'd wear on the night. Anyone who knows me would know that that task would have been one of the most dreadful tasks I could have been doing. In other words, I hate shopping...this is why.
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